Thursday, August 26, 2004

Stand by your man, even if he occasionally rapes somebody or has sex with other men

Okay, I know this is old news, but I just heard another clip of that New Jersey Governor's resignation speech on the radio (in fact, Howard Stern was playing it with Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes's "I've Had the Time of My Life" in the background. Brilliant.). It got me to thinking-- what's with these political wives standing by their husbands smiling like freaks as they are humiliated, embarrassed, and otherwise mistreated in front of a national audience? Would anyone in America object if any one of them made other "Girls' Night" plans on the evening that her husband comes clean? There are really only two conclusions to be drawn from this:

Less Likely Theory:

These are women of astoundingly low intelligence. I find this hard to believe. I've been lucky enough to have grown up friendly with several political families, two of which had sitting governors at one time or another. The wives were capable, smart, friendly and generally likeable. One of them had (in the governor's mansion, no less) a small under-the-counter freezer that was perpetually filled with Push-Up Pops. Clearly she was a genius. On that fact alone, I can't imagine that either of them would stand beside her husband like a drooling idiot as he discussed his gay escapades in the State Legislature. But maybe they would...

More Likely Theory:

Somewhere on the East Coast, probably at Yale, there exists an underground, top-secret federal facility that genetically engineers Sham Brides for up-and-coming politicos. With remarkable attention to detail, political women are conceived, bred, raised, and otherwise manufactured from Matrix-esque human watermelon patches through top finishing schools. The scientists even put in perfect little touches when necessary, such as an easy Texas accent, a talent for managing not-for-profit agencies or law firms, or even a monumental family fortune. I wish I could've been there as a young, gawky (and gay) Jim McGreevey paced slowly up and down the aisles of the Sham Bride showroom, carefully examining each "woman," running his finger along their curves, conscientiously checking them for tiny nicks or imperfections. I'm sure it was quite a sight.

Frustratingly enough, the courtesy of Sham Brides is not solely extended to politicians. Top athletes, entertainers or businessmen are also sometimes accorded this privilege. See: Vanessa (Mrs. Kobe) Bryant, Cookie (Mrs. Magic) Johnson, Joumana (Mrs. Jason) Kidd. And then, compare the poor souls who, for whatever reason, angered the powers that be and whose Sham Bride was withheld: Donald (Mr. Ivana) Trump, Chuck (Mr. Tawny Kitaen) Finley, Lionel (Mr. Diane Alexander) Richie, Andre (Mr. Left Eye Lopez) Rison. I think it's clear who, among the American elite, fell out of political favor.

I'm not saying this is proof of anything. I'm just saying that, if this blog becomes suddenly and suspiciously unavailable, don't let the truth die with me.


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