Monday, August 30, 2004

Why I Respect LA: My Running Diary of the VMAs

Every year, I look forward to MTV’s annual Video Music Award broadcast. Despite some recent debacles, it’s still the only Awards show worth any attention, and this year they’ve moved it from the Metropolitan Opera House in NYC to Miami’s American Airlines Arena, home of the Miami Heat. Clearly a step down, but with the GOP convention in NYC this week, I thought I’d cut them a little slack. Maybe I was wrong. Anyway, I thought I’d provide my running diary of the evening, in honor of Bill Simmons. Without further ado, here are the highlights (or lowlights) of last night’s broadcast:

5:30pm CST: And we’re live with the pre-show! A cool perk of having the VMAs in Miami this year is that American Airlines Arena is situated right on the water, giving celebrities the opportunity to literally arrive on the red carpet on a boat. A nice touch, I thought. This is going well. Of course, P-Diddy arrived on a bazillion-dollar cruise ship looking like Ricardo Montalban on Fantasy Island. I’m anticipating three more outfits from him before the night ends.

5:33pm: Holy crap, it’s Kurt Loder! Apparently he’s not suffering any side effects of the unfreezing process, having been stuck in MTV’s cryogenic holding tank with Downtown Julie Brown and Adam Curry for some time now. Good to have you back. He’s still the only person on MTV that can be taken seriously. They really shouldn’t have him and Sway in the same broadcast…ever.

6:00pm: In case you were wondering, LL Cool J’s new album drops tomorrow. I wasn’t wondering either. In his defense, LL has surrounded himself with a harem of women who all have fully-functioning televisions on their t-shirts. You have to see this to understand. Highlight of the night so far.

6:03pm: Finally, we’re inside. The VMAs are always dependable for brilliant opening sequences. This year we’ve got a solo Usher singing his latest, "Confessions" while it rains on him (and only him) on stage. Literally. They must’ve dumped 600 gallons of water on him during the course of a two-minute performance surrounded by a plethora of live electronic equipment. Doesn’t he have an agent that supposed to prevent things like this from happening? Thankfully, he’s rescued by the opening notes of "Yeah" and the melodious tones of Lil’ Jon, who quickly borrowed the Montalban suit from Puffy. A nice performance overall, with the eventual return of a dried-off Usher to do some of his Michael Jackson moves. Unfortunately, Usher’s mic stops working during the performance. Amazing.

6:12pm: From the ceiling descends Will Smith to the sound of his 1999(?) hit "Miami." It was only a matter of time. Luckily, he’s only there to introduce the city’s new favorite son, Shaquille O’Neal, who emerges from behind a curtain shouting "CAN YOU DIG IT?" On the plus side, Shaq seems to have kept his promise to get in shape during the off-season and looks trimmer than he has in years. Note to the Eastern Conference: be afraid.

6:15pm: It’s starting to become apparent that putting on an awards show in an arena rather than in a theater is a bad idea, as a dizzying array of camera angles, moveable stages, flying platforms, mic troubles and bad sound are making this production very hard to follow. More on this later.

6:24pm: Every time I see Matthew Lillard, I die a little inside.

6:29pm: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jet, Hoobastank, and Yellowcard! Wow. Well, at least the guy from Jet can sing his own song. It’s unusual to hear a lead singer’s voice crack during a performance by a multi-platinum band, but Hoobastank’s managed it just fine. Really one of the worst televised performances I’ve ever seen. The talent level at these VMAs is astoundingly low. Maybe if they’d had it in LA…

6:47pm: Here to hopefully remedy that is Chicago’s Kanye West, who marches out to his strange hit "Jesus Walks" but manages to recover with a nice version of "All Falls Down." The performance is punctuated, though by a unrecognizably fat and unfortunately off-key Chaka Khan. Yikes. I’m starting to think that Chaka, Gloria Gaynor, and that woman who sang "Turn the Beat Around" all had a disturbing pact with the devil that gave them fame and fortune in the 70s in exchange for their girth and talent in the 2000s. Someone should research this.

7:02pm: Carson Daly is out to introduce the only two people in the building more uninteresting than him, John Kerry’s daughters, Vanessa and Alexandra, joined via satellite by the Bush twins, all to a rousing chorus of boos. The Kerry girls are visibly shaken, to the point that Vanessa has to whisper "Just go on" in her sister’s ear. Happy to be in New York, Jenna and Barbara quickly do their half of the "no matter who you vote for, just make sure you vote" spiel and get the hell off camera. Is it okay to boo a candidate’s daughters? I don’t know for sure, but it certainly exposed a weakness in the Kerry girls. Their lack of poise disturbs me, and I’m considering voting for Bush now. After all, Barbara Bush once ran up to me and handed me a condom. True story.

7:11pm: Okay, so for some time now, the Gap has had this running ad where the guitar lick from "Are you gonna go my way" plays behind some hot chick walking down a hall and striking a pose. Turns out the chick is Sarah Jessica Parker. "Disappointment" doesn’t cover this one.

7:16pm: Finally, Dave Chappelle shows up to rescue the broadcast. Wasn’t he supposed to be hosting all night? Can I sue MTV for false advertising? Anyway, all he’s doing is introducing the next performance, which happens to be Lil’ Jon, the Eastside Boyz, the Ying Yang Twins, Petey Pablo, and Fat Joe and the Terror Squad. I was actually looking forward to this one, solely due to my love of Lil’ Jon and the Ying Yang Twins. Surprisingly, as the camera pans around the audience, we’re bombarded by the number of other hip hop stars, including Usher, P Diddy, and Bruce Willis (I’m not kidding) who seem to know EVERY WORD to "Get Low" and "Lean Back." Did I mention that Bruce Willis was sitting with P Diddy, partying like the two of them are lifelong best friends? Skeet Skeet Skeet! Now THAT’s comedy.

7:34pm: Here come the Olsen Twins! I think Mary Kate looks worse now than she did before she went to rehab. Her dress also looks like she just had sex on TV and is now wearing the bedsheet. Do people really do that? I always wondered.

7:38pm: As Jessica Simpson is wrapping up her rendition of Robbie Williams’s "Angel," (painful, by the way. Someone owes Robbie an apology) I notice that the people on the floor in front of the stage, that appear to be waving lighters in unison, aren’t waving lighters at all, but instead cell phones with the screen lit up. I don’t know what to say. Especially since they’re all holding my exact same phone.

7:41pm: And now, the award for Best Soundtrack to a Video Game! At this point, I think they’re just trying to piss me off.

8:15pm: In one introduction, LL Cool J just compared Alicia Keys to Marvin Gaye, Prince, Notorious BIG, Beethoven and Bach. By the way, his album drops Tuesday.

8:18pm: Finally, a positive step—Alicia is joined onstage by Stevie Wonder and Lenny Kravitz, and the three of them do a pretty impressive rendition of "Higher Ground." If you look closely, though, you’ll notice that Kravitz is wearing what appears to be an entire bird of prey on his back, with the feathers sticking out past his shoulders. Maybe this is the latest Falcon Twist? Anyway, this performance is further proof that I need to find a black woman to mother my children. I’m looking to guarantee that my kids will be spectacularly attractive and talented, and all biracial people all seem to fit those categories (even half-Jewish ones!). Now accepting applications.

8:47pm: Mandy Moore and Marilyn Manson (don’t you love MTV?) introduce us to the Polyphonic Spree, which appears to be what’s left of the Branch Davidian Glee Club. I don’t have any idea what to make of this, except that every so often MTV tries to introduce us to some bizarre fringe musicians. It didn’t work with those Russian guys with the ridiculous hair 10 years ago, and it’s not going to work this time. If you’ve got space to fill, just throw Lil’ Jon up there again. Trust me on this one.

8:57pm: Dave Chappelle is back onstage with a montage to wish Jay-Z luck with his retirement. Between Beyonce and Social Security, somehow I think he’ll manage.

8:59pm: Now pop princess JoJo is going to introduce some Olympic medalists… blah, blah, blah. You know how old JoJo is? Thirteen. I’m not kidding. Let’s make one thing abundantly clear: it’s not okay to trick people like me into turning on MTV and seeing some cute starlet, and then tell me she’s thir-freaking-teen years old. I’m telling you, society is turning all young men into pedophiles against our will. See: Lindsey Lohan.

9:10pm: Motherhood has been good to Gwyneth Paltrow, who is happily showing off her glorious new C-cups. Thanks Apple!

9:17pm: Finally, the Outkast is back to close their 17th awards show. Even Andre 3000 notes, "Okay. For the millionth time, ‘Hey Ya,’ God Dammit."

Three hours later, it’s clear that the reason this show was broadcast live from Miami is that no self-respecting city (like LA) would’ve hosted it. Really a new low for MTV. And yet, I can’t wait for next year. Damn you, MTV.



33 Comments:

Blogger Tolles said...

Best line, "Every time I see Matthew Lillard, I die a little inside." Runners-up: "I think Mary Kate looks worse now than she did before she went to rehab. Her dress also looks like she just had sex on TV and is now wearing the bedsheet," and "Let’s make one thing abundantly clear: it’s not okay to trick people like me into turning on MTV and seeing some cute starlet, and then tell me she’s thir-freaking-teen years old." Well done.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Random musings... Getting a condom from Mrs. Bush is like getting a condom from your grandma. I suppose it is the thought that counts. Jo Jo is 13... I guess R. Kelly has someone new to pursue since the Olson twins are too old now. Speaking of the Olson twins Mary Kate looks disturbingly cachetic now, she will never be strapping but lets be honest, when you make a Chinese Gymnast look like a buff Amazon you have got some serious health issues. Your motivation for leaning towards Bush now is interesting. I don't care about the poise or relative "star power" of the respective candidates daughters, but I do think their attractiveness is an interesting factor. If the pulchitude of the daughters was a major factor then Gore should have won the 2000 election. I am sure Cheney's daughter would agree. If I had my way, I'd want to see all 4 of the candidates daughters engage in a jello wrestling cage match. The winner of the match wouldn't really be important, I'd just want to see it. Hell, at least I am honest.

12:03 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

russian girls

2:35 AM  
Blogger Online Incomes said...

Hey I was just blog surfing amd I found your blog! Looks Great!

I also have a airline cheap student ticket
It deals mostly with airline cheap student ticket plus other stuff,
You can save up to 50% your next flight!

You should check it out if you get a chance!!

5:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very cool blog you got! I just added you to my bookmarks!

I have a great article resource you might want to check out.

5:14 AM  
Blogger Swingin80 said...

Cool blog you have. I have a money magazine related site. Check it out if you get a chance. The URL is money magazine

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a christmas gift site/blog. It pretty much covers gift ideas for christmas related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

San Diego is having a Hot Rod Halloween on Sunday, October 30. If you love german auto show then you will want to be there! All kinds of german auto show will be in attendance. For more information go to german auto show
See Ya There!!

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great blog you have! I really enjoyed it. I heard of a great site that is giving away a free set of Nike Golf Clubs. I think your readers will enjoy it. Just click the link below and enter your Zip Code to see if you qualify!
Free Nike Golf Clubs!

6:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey good post. Look at my site if you can. Thanks! cash money

5:30 PM  
Blogger Clickbank Mall said...

Great Post but was not what I was looking for. But you really have a gread blog here. Keep it going.


I'll stop back every so often to see new updates maybe something will interest me in the future.

Have a good day.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Admin said...

Great Video Game blog, thanks for letting me post a message. Great Job with your blog.

Thanks
game trailer video

8:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice site. Check mine out if you can. teen 4 cash

7:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We'll start delivering traffic to your website instantly.

8:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice blog with interesting topics. I have a website that offers alot of controversial topics here. Just go to the links page and look for "Video Reviews"

5:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Online adult sex shop. Come and browse over 900 quality items. We have a great selection of Anal Toys, *KEYWORD** including Anal Toys Anal Toys Anal Toys Anal Toys and Anal Toys all ready for immediate dispatch today.Anal Toys

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Online adult sex shop. Come and browse over 900 quality items. We have a great selection of Anal Toys, *KEYWORD** including Anal Toys Anal Toys Anal Toys Anal Toys and Anal Toys all ready for immediate dispatch today.Anal Toys

8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last month I made $12,124 with Google Adsense...Click
here for free on how you can do the same!

11:06 AM  
Blogger Hoodia said...

Help me Dude, I think I'm lost..... I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him in a car lot yesterday, which is really strange because the last time I saw him was in the supermarket. No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender". He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a San Diego cosmetic surgery doctor ,to fit into those blue suede shoes of yours. But Elvis said in the Ghetto nobody can afford a San Diego plastic surgery doctor. Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger. Then I'm gonna go round and see Michael Jackson and we're gonna watch a waaaay cool make-over show featuring some Tijuana dentists on the TV in the back of my Hummer. And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . . "You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on " Strange day or what? :-)

11:29 PM  
Blogger rokkgod said...

I was surfing around and found another George Bush site.George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People This place has a ton of funny videos and mp3s.

3:27 AM  
Anonymous power forced matrix said...

Hi Harberman,
You have a great Why I Respect LA: My Running Diary of the VMAs blog here.
I wanted to share with you an amazing opportunity. Maybe you have heard about power forced matrix before but trust me, I have studied many other power forced matrix thats available on the net, none can compares with this one.
You have to study my power forced matrix site to understand what I mean.
I am so sure of this opportunity that I will pay your initial membership so you can try it out for FREE!
Best regards

2:28 PM  
Anonymous free forced matrix said...

Hi Harberman,
You have a great Why I Respect LA: My Running Diary of the VMAs blog here.
I wanted to share with you an amazing opportunity. Maybe you have heard about free forced matrix before but trust me, I have studied many other free forced matrix thats available on the net, none can compares with this one.
You have to study my free forced matrix site to understand what I mean.
I am so sure of this opportunity that I will pay your initial membership so you can try it out for FREE!
Best regards

5:57 PM  
Anonymous free forced matrix said...

Hi Harberman,
You have a great Why I Respect LA: My Running Diary of the VMAs blog here.
I wanted to share with you an amazing opportunity. Maybe you have heard about free forced matrix before but trust me, I have studied many other free forced matrix thats available on the net, none can compares with this one.
You have to study my free forced matrix site to understand what I mean.
I am so sure of this opportunity that I will pay your initial membership so you can try it out for FREE!
Best regards

3:13 AM  
Anonymous power forced matrix said...

Hi Harberman,
You have a great Why I Respect LA: My Running Diary of the VMAs blog here.
I wanted to share with you an amazing opportunity. Maybe you have heard about free forced matrix before but trust me, I have studied many other free forced matrix thats available on the net, none can compares with this one.
You have to study my free forced matrix site to understand what I mean.
I am so sure of this opportunity that I will pay your initial membership so you can try it out for FREE!
Best regards

11:55 AM  
Anonymous free forced matrix said...

Hi Harberman,
You have a great Why I Respect LA: My Running Diary of the VMAs blog here.
I wanted to share with you and everybody reading this comment an amazing opportunity. Maybe you have heard about free forced matrix before but trust me, I have studied many other free forced matrix thats available on the net, none can compares with this one.
You have to study my free forced matrix site to understand what I mean.
I am 100% sure of this opportunity that I will pay your initial membership so you can try it out for FREE! You have nothing to lose.
Best regards

2:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

personals webcam
adult personal ads
free personal ads
personal ads with photos
adult personals

10:29 AM  
Blogger cham-pagne said...

Exciting blog. Your site was amazing and will be
back again! I never get tired of looking for blogs
just like this one.
In my spare time I will look for your cash advance columbus ohio blog.

2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Adquity.com

Classifieds for our community. Buy, sell, trade, date, events... post anything. Adquity Classifieds.

Adquity.com

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

online ads

4:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Watiti.com
Join me and my circle of friends at http://www.watiti.com, an online social networking community that connects people from all over the world.

Meet new people, share photos, create or attend events, post free classifieds, send free e-cards, listen music, read blogs, upload videos, be part of a club, chat rooms, forum and much more!

See you around! Bring all your friends too!

Watiti.com

1:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post howеver I wаs wondеring if you
could write a lіtte more on this ѕubject? I'd be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit more. Appreciate it!

My homepage ... reputation management

9:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually
something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and very broad
for me. I'm looking forward for your next post, I'll try to get the
hang of it!

Visit my website; individual reputation management

6:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Εxcellent post. Keep рosting such kind of infо οn уour ρage.

Im rеally imprеssed bу it.
Hi there, You've performed an incredible job. I will definitely digg it and in my view suggest to my friends. I'm suгe they'll be benefited from this web site.

My webpage; Link Building

4:40 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Listed on Blogwise