Friday, October 29, 2004

I'd Like to Make An Announcement

Imitation, they say, is the sincerest form of flattery, and nothing breeds imitation like success in team sports. Heard in GM offices in recent years:



Hey, if the Baltimore Ravens can win a Super Bowl with defense and a never-was at Quarterback, why can't we? Get Steve DeBerg on the phone!

If the Patriots can win 2 Super Bowls in 3 years with a collection of cap-friendly no-names and a Hobbit coach, why can't we? Hoodies for everyone!

If Billy Beane's A's can remain competitive in a small market by drafting guys based on on-base percentage instead of "talent," why can't we? All of our scouts are fired! Does anyone have wireless internet?

Well, for once, I'm going to be ahead of the game. I'd like to take this opportunity to announce my availability to any Major League Baseball franchise who, in the spirit of the World Champion Red Sox, are looking to now hire a hotshot Jewish guy in his twenties to guide their long-suffering organization to a World Series victory. Say what you want about heroic performances from Schilling, Papi, Foulke or even D-Lowe. They're all nice stories. I'm pretty sure, though, that the turning point for the formerly cursed Sox came last year when they shockingly hired 28-year-old Theo Epstein as General Manager of one of sports' most storied organizations, then handed him a $130 million payroll to play with. The result? A World Series win not two years later.

So, all you owners out there: if the Red Sox can overcome the Yankees, break a curse and win a Series for the first time in 86 years, all because they hired a brash Jewish kid in his twenties to be their GM, why can't you?

(To sweeten the pot, in addition to being young and Jewish, I will also make arrangements to bring a Dominican midget into the fold. Just say the word.)




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